A packed public gallery at Puntingham Magistrates Court waited expectantly today as an ex-client of popular local parlour Sandys Superstars took legal action against them for misrepresentation of services.
Mr F Deal, 84, of Mews Cottage, Oil Drum Lane, Shepherd's Bush, took issue with the lack of services offered by one of
the ladies employed by the aforemetioned establishment
(Editor's Legal Disclaimer: "Employed" is in no way meant to imply a formal contract of employment with the associated PAYE and National Insurance implications.Indeed, no such employment exists and we're not sure there's a case for self-employment either; in fact, we're unsure if the lady or even the establishment exists).
It would initially appear that the defendant, ably represented without legal assistance by Mr M T Perv, had no case to answer. The website whereby services are advertised clearly states "Customers are reminded that all specialities areat the discretion of the masseuse and are always subject to client cleanliness."
Nevertheless, in the interests of a fair punting community, and frankly with bugger all else to do on a wet windy Thursday,the case was brought before the Puntingham Magistrates.
The core issue was whether the term "discretion":
1. Was merely used to disguise the fact that the girl never offered these services at all
or
2. Was used to prevent the girl being forced to gag on "knob cheese" (legal term)
This issue was soon resolved with written testimony from Mr G Man (with Little Giraffes thankfully contained), Mr J B, Doktor Somebodyorother, Mr U Paratus, Mr M Man, Mr T Otalizer and even a female customer (Magistrates Comment: "Good Lord, what's the world coming to?"). Their collective evidence did seem to confirm that the lady in question not only offered the listed services but did so with some athletic gusto, considerable expertise and substantial unbridled enthusiasm. (Magistrates Comment: "I'm getting a bit of a lazy lob on")
The public gallery still waited expectantly, however. Mr F Deal was being represented by the punting community's very
own legal eagle, Captain69. Despite it being obvious to anyone educated beyond a sub-normal level of intelligence that the case was "complete cobblers" (legal term), the crowd was sure the Captain would be able to pull something out of the bag.
The internationally acclaimed lawyer, a man with a fleet of powerful cars, paid for from the sheer brilliance of his many years of legal expertise. A man who has never failed to lend his expert guidance to all and sundry in the Puntchester borough and beyond. Surely such dazzling brilliance would reduce Mr M T Perv to a shambling wreck of a man?
One can therefore imagine the collective disappointment of the waiting hordes when Mr F Deal reported to the court that his legal representation had failed to appear, having decided instead to answer the rhetorical question "who ate all the pies?" in a more literal sense in the Puntingham Court Refectory.
Verdict: Case dismissed due to a well hung jury
